Something peculiar is happening in the Cape Winelands. We have reports of the most highly stressed people returning from the Winelands in a trance-like state of happiness. CEOs are skipping into the office, rugby jocks are pirouetting across the try line, and road-rage-inclined drivers are giving right of way to grannies.

Could aliens be invading the minds of our tourists? Is an underground mob sedating wine lovers in some seedy plot? We had to investigate. We deployed a team of highly trained LekkeSlaap agents to Hartebeeskraal Self Catering Cottage, a secluded hideout near Paarl. Posing as tourists, they infiltrated several Winelands attractions.

After intensive debriefing, we noted that even our most hardy agents had succumbed to the giddying effect of the Winelands.

These are their stories…

Operation: Smiling Merlot

Mission: Gain intelligence on mysterious Winelands hyper-happiness

Base: Hartebeeskraal Self Catering Cottage

Agents: Timo, Marosane, Meagan, Zuhaa, Lee-Anne, Chantell, Shirley, Thandeka

Hartebeeskraal Self Catering Cottage

Hartebeeskraal Self Catering Cottage was intended as a safe house for our agents to prepare themselves for their mission. Instead they fawned over the indoor braai, spent increasing amounts of time in the hammock, danced with dogs, and started “getting to know each other”.

Absolutely loved getting to know my colleagues better in such a beautiful setting – without the regular forced team building exercises. – Timo

There aren’t enough words to describe this place! Absolutely magnificent little cottage overlooking a working wine farm.  Perfect for a relaxed, do-nothing breakaway.  – Marosane

The 5 dogs were just too cute. The fireplace gave the cottage a warm and cosy feeling. – Meagan

I enjoyed laying on the hammock while watching the sunset. It was so relaxing, I never want to leave. – Lee-Anne

A weekend escape with the sweet sounds of bees, bugs, and beetles. Crisp white linen made me sleep like a princess. I cherished sitting on the rooftop, being sunkissed, listening to the serene sound of water flowing down the nearby stream, and feasting my eyes on vineyards and mountains. – Zuhaa

Franschhoek

Judging by Agent Meagan’s feedback, Franschhoek is an otherworldly town inhabited by human-bodied aliens. And giant bears.

Franschhoek made me feel as if I was in another country. The shops and restaurants are different to anything I’ve seen. The residents are welcoming and pleasant, and very good sales people too.

Picnic in the park opposite the Huguenot Monument

The agents rendezvoused at the public park opposite the Huguenot Monument. From here they watched for suspicious activity at the monument, tracked tourist buses, and kept an eye on the mountains and vineyards. At first we thought our agents were just blending in, but their child-like rolling on the grass was not feigned.

Vrede en Lust

To test for chemical deviances in the wines, our agents visited Vrede en Lust estate. There is certainly a euphoria-inducing additive, because we were unable to get a coherent response from any of the female agents. They simply broke down into aloof grins. We salvaged a highly subjective report from Agent Timo:

I absolutely loved Vrede en Lust for the sense of magic the surrounding mountains and the vineyards create. The wines are all named after special people in the owner’s life (his daughters, grandfather etc) and the storytelling style that the “ladies in red” present with each wine emboldens the things that make the Winelands so special. For me that’s nature, peace, pace of life, and family.

Huguenot Fine Chocolates

Agent Thandeka is not a fan of chocolate and struggled to keep the other agents under control. She reports:

I thought a famous rock star had caused the hysteria! But it was the cry of the chocolate addict. The shop has different kinds of chocolates, from strawberry infused chocolate balls to rum-filled chocolate squares. I almost succumbed to the power of the cocoa, but it was the freshly preserved figs, water melons, oranges, and plums – and the bottles chillis – that did it for me!

This is the only photograph we can publish. Further images of our agents clambering over the counter and gorging themselves on Belgian chocolate are just humiliating.

The Franschhoek Pancake Shop

This random guy approached us, asking us to come and taste some of his homemade ice-cream. We unwillingly followed him into his little shop where he dished out ice-cream tasters. Oh.My.Word! You’ve never tasted anything like it! I mean, where have you ever had ice-cream that tastes like milktart? With no intention to buy, we all ended up buying a scoop!

The ice-cream sent our agents over the edge. It was a miracle that Marosane could even speak at this point. The “random guy” has been brought in for questioning. All photographic evidence is banned.

Disclaimer

Since debriefing, Lee-Anne has gone AWOL, Meagan has become a full-time volunteer dog walker, Marosane is in rehab for her addiction to homemade ice-cream, Thandeka is dabbling in black market preserves, Timo refuses to take part in any non-social team building activities, and Zuhaa is now living in a forest with dwarfs. We have not seen Chantell and Shirley since they went MIA.

Please beware of the extreme repercussions of spending a weekend in the Cape Winelands!